Wednesday, December 10, 2008

What if Santa Clause were Gay?

If Santa Clause was Gay, things would be a bit different. I suppose the toy selection would be somewhat different and Pat Robertson would be hiding in the basement with a shotgun on Christmas Eve.

After posing this question I have made a top ten list of things that would be different if O'l Saint Nick was a Homo.

If you are gay, relax and enjoy a little fun at your expense. It's really a small price to pay for satire of this quality. If you disagree, give me a dollar figure and I'll get right on a reparations scheme to make the whole thing more equitable, of course I will have to deduct for every annoying thing the Gay community puts online.

1. Instead of magically falling down the chimney Santa will pound on the front door and screech "Gay Xmas" and kick the door off the hinges and hiss at how tacky your door wreath is. Then Santa will take a brown bear and wrap him with duct tape and jam it in the fireplace.

2. Rather than flying in at night Santa will slog down main street at noon tossing glitter, condoms and pin joints. He'll be followed by hundreds of oil covered naked elves and probably a thousand motorcycles.

3. The standard red suit will be replaced with pink leather and a rainbow colored sleigh. The reindeer will be tethered in black reins with chrome buckles all sporting butt plugs.

4. Santa's bag of toys will have a smaller opening and the only way to get a toy out will require great force and a clenched fist. The bag will moan uncontrollably "OOOooooo OHHhhhhhh". All of the toys will be shaped like penises.

5. Santa's neck will be wrapped with tinsel from the bout of auto erotic asphyxiation from the previous night and traces of bong water spilled down his shirt.

6. The elves at the north pole would have encounter groups and rape counseling clinics from previous long lonely winters with the jolly old elf.

7. The reindeer will have perfectly preened and gelled miens. Their hooves would be manicured and buffed to a high shine. Their butt plugs would light up when Santa cracked his whip.

8. Only the naughty children on his list would get the penis shaped toys. The good children get pamphlets explaining why they are destroying the universe and why it's good to be naughty.

9. Children would forgo the milk and cookies (Milk is cruel and cookies make Santa fat) and put out plates of amyl nitrate poppers, Kleenex, Vaseline, and Trizivir tablets.

10. Instead of once a year, Santa would come seven or eight times a day.

As he climbed on his sleigh and swooped out of sight he lisped "Gay Xmas to all and to all a good night".


Dr Zibbs said...

Yo. Poobomber sent me.

The Vegetable Assassin said...

Leather chaps would be involved. And a leather cap. And his white beard would be a goatee (perfectly manicured). His catchphrase would be "Tho...have you been naughty or nithe girlfriend!" accompanied by a wink. His sleigh will blast Madonna hits and the elves will "vogue".

Also gay Santa would rather he sat on YOUR knee.


The Vegetable Assassin said...

I forgot to add that he will have an unnatural fixation with the North Pole...

Dog Breath said...

Zibbs Welcome!
Since you are an internet celebrity, it's an honor to get a four word comment from you. Maybe if I join the communist party I will get seven words (the normal four plus "you fucking commie").

Veggie, is it Ok to call you Veggie? Who cares.
I have to admit your points have merit but I'm betting he wears all that stuff under his suit already. On the other hand, a photoshop of a "dirty north pole" would have been both hilarious and profoundly rude at the same time. You rock!

The Vegetable Assassin said...

I think this might be Santa off duty at the North Pole!


Dog Breath said...

That, my friend is a work of art!