Friday, December 19, 2008

The taste test

Everybody loves those comparison tests they do in commercials. After many many taste tests, they are finally running out of ideas. Wellll O'l Dog Breath has a few suggestions that might help out.

1. While Mr Homeless is sleeping we are attaching the virtual reality helmet and uploading the simulation. WAKE UP Mr Homeless! Habitat for Homeless has built you this brand new house! Look a fully stocked fridge, pantry, wardrobe, and huge bar! Mr Homeless "What? What I won? Um I what? Holy shit it's mine? Free?...". [Whips off helmet] No sorry it's the new Hazbrow VR300 helmet. How do you like it?

2. We are replacing this patient's brain cancer medication with Ibuprofen X 300. Let's see if he can tell the difference. How do you feel Sir? "I feel fine! I can't feel the tumor at all. Is it supposed to work this fa...". See it works better than cancer medicine!

3. Here we are at Alamo pass maximum security prison and we are swapping this inmate's last meal from the steak and potatoes meal he requested with this Whopper and fries. Let's see which he prefers. Here's you meal! "What the fuck is this?" It's your last meal! "I don't want that shit" [pound pound slap crunch]. Stop the camera...

4. We're here at Mercy Hospital emergency ward. We are going to replace this patient's IV with AIDS infected blood. Let's see if he can tell the difference. Holy crap he can't tell a thing...

5. At the Travel Channel we are interested in testing the quality of our vacation destinations. We are rerouting this couple's ski vacation flight from Aspen Colorado to Northern Siberia. Let's see if they notice...

6. ESPN sports channel presents the SCUBA Diving Summer nationals. In this event, Steve, the diver must conserve oxygen and stay submerged longer that his competitors. They will do simple tasks to test coordination and dexterity. We have replaced their oxygen tanks with cylinders of Diet Pepsi. This should really spice up the competition this year!

7. We are replacing this teenage babysitter with a convicted rapist...

8. Explody fireworks here! We are at the Clark County Fair. We have distributed some samples of our newest bottle rockets, fire crackers and smoke bombs to the crowd. We have also given some of the participants live hand grenades, bazookas and mustard gas. Let's see if they can tell the difference.

9. Here in sunny Florida our visitors work up a serious thirst. We are doing a blind taste test with this octogenarian. In cup A we have Minute Maid pink lemonade. In cup B we have homemade lemonade. In cup C we have a mixture of lemon juice and Etheline Glycol antifreeze with a bit of added sugar to hide the taste. Let's see if She can guess which one is home made.

10. To prove how mild and calming Preparation H is we have replaced this Man's cream with Japanese Wasabi paste. Let's see....

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

A shiny new President

Barack Obama will definitely change what we think of the office of the President of the United States. He will challenge our stereotypes and expectations. It will be interesting to see what he does with this challenge.

In his endeavours to make his mark on America and the world, he will have to deal with The US Congress, foreign leaders, and the captains of industry.

Below is my Top Ten list of most used quotes for the next four years.

1. "Can't a Bruthu git some change aroun hea?"

2. "But I'm the chosen one!"

3. "I did not sleep with Oprah"

4. "No I'm NOT a Muslim!"

5. "Et tu Hillary?"

6. "No U CanT Haz Ur GuNz"

7. "Bidden who?"

8. "Well at least Africa likes us now"

9. "Yes, we filled the pool with grape soda"

10. "YES WE CAN (if they'll let me)"

Friday, December 12, 2008

What do you want for Christmas?

An Oregon man jumped off the Glenn Jackson bridge falling to his squishy floaty death 100 feet below.

No he didn't Apparently Glenn Jackson was an Indian giver. The man survived the fall and began slowly slipping into a coma due to hypothermia.

Unfortunately for the man his car was found on the bridge and rescue workers plucked him from the water before he lost consciousness.

All he wanted was to check out with some dignity and have his frozen, bloated, mangled body found down river by some poor bastard, probably a retarded child playing near the dangerous banks of the river.

The rescuers then went about patting themselves on the back reveling in the heroism and the early Christmas gift they had given the man and his family. Their gift was I'm sure received with great savor like a pair of ugly socks.

There was some kind of Holiday boating festival going on in the river which explains the rapid appearance of the rescue boats.

Dude, next time aim for one of the boats! He'll probably go home, put on a Santa suit and blow his brains all over the Christmas tree.

Yep, thanks for the save rescue guys!
Here is a dude whom got started in the right direction and froze under pressure. He then accidently slipped thereby finishing the job.
(Turn down your speakers it has music)

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Korean man get's second chance at life

This is the sort of thing that doesn't happen often folks. You live a good life, work hard and all that good Carma finally pays off!

News report linked here:
An unidentified Korean man has hit the jackpot! An F/A-18D fighter jet attempting to land at Miramar (Top Gun) airbase crashed into his house killing his family and his HIS MOTHER-IN-LAW.

He's single, has no mortgage, is going to get a HUGE settlement from the Navy and his Mother-in-law died in a fiery explosion!
If that isn't better than winning the Olympics (all the gold medals together) then I don't know what is.

Call me old fashioned but this whole thing is making me tear up.
With my Carma, my Mother-in-law will probably outlive me and I'll probably end up emptying her colostomy bag till my third heart attack.
Maybe if I put a giant magnet in my basement....

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

What if Santa Clause were Gay?

If Santa Clause was Gay, things would be a bit different. I suppose the toy selection would be somewhat different and Pat Robertson would be hiding in the basement with a shotgun on Christmas Eve.

After posing this question I have made a top ten list of things that would be different if O'l Saint Nick was a Homo.

If you are gay, relax and enjoy a little fun at your expense. It's really a small price to pay for satire of this quality. If you disagree, give me a dollar figure and I'll get right on a reparations scheme to make the whole thing more equitable, of course I will have to deduct for every annoying thing the Gay community puts online.

1. Instead of magically falling down the chimney Santa will pound on the front door and screech "Gay Xmas" and kick the door off the hinges and hiss at how tacky your door wreath is. Then Santa will take a brown bear and wrap him with duct tape and jam it in the fireplace.

2. Rather than flying in at night Santa will slog down main street at noon tossing glitter, condoms and pin joints. He'll be followed by hundreds of oil covered naked elves and probably a thousand motorcycles.

3. The standard red suit will be replaced with pink leather and a rainbow colored sleigh. The reindeer will be tethered in black reins with chrome buckles all sporting butt plugs.

4. Santa's bag of toys will have a smaller opening and the only way to get a toy out will require great force and a clenched fist. The bag will moan uncontrollably "OOOooooo OHHhhhhhh". All of the toys will be shaped like penises.

5. Santa's neck will be wrapped with tinsel from the bout of auto erotic asphyxiation from the previous night and traces of bong water spilled down his shirt.

6. The elves at the north pole would have encounter groups and rape counseling clinics from previous long lonely winters with the jolly old elf.

7. The reindeer will have perfectly preened and gelled miens. Their hooves would be manicured and buffed to a high shine. Their butt plugs would light up when Santa cracked his whip.

8. Only the naughty children on his list would get the penis shaped toys. The good children get pamphlets explaining why they are destroying the universe and why it's good to be naughty.

9. Children would forgo the milk and cookies (Milk is cruel and cookies make Santa fat) and put out plates of amyl nitrate poppers, Kleenex, Vaseline, and Trizivir tablets.

10. Instead of once a year, Santa would come seven or eight times a day.

As he climbed on his sleigh and swooped out of sight he lisped "Gay Xmas to all and to all a good night".

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Get in the Christmas spirit

I have come up with a new invention or rather a novel way to use existing technology to produce a new result.

Sometimes it is hard to get your wife/ mother, girlfriend, maid or "whatever" to feel the Christmas spirit while doing your laundry.

I have a cure for this! Simply place plastic stencils down the back of your tighty whities and go about your day as usual.

Like this but in reverse.

"How will that put my laundress in a holiday mood?" you ask. Well I'll tell you how. As the day wears on and you blast the back of your skivies with fart spray the stencil will protect part of your undies while allowing other parts to naturally get that patina or "Peanut butter smudge" your shorts normally get.

The result is a festive image painted in the back of your shorts suitable for framing!

If that doesn't get her in the mood, you should have married someone Else's cousin.
This stuff will help with the chapped ass diaper rash inverted image caused by the stencil on your ass.